What Monster Have I Created?

My learning this week is that I shouldn’t have offered to give this game away.

If you are an old school board war gamer, you will remember that Avalon Hill did a card game based on its popular WW2 game of infantry combat, Squad Leader.   It was notorious for the ridiculously handsome, almost angelic SS guy on the cover.  I’m surprised that image has not been resurrected by the Alt-RIght.    The bits below, including AH’s Pacific War expansion, Banzai!, was gifted to me by an Army friend of mine.  I tried playing it a few times solitaire, and it didn’t really seem that much fun.

This week I offered the game up on a Facebook group called Wargamer Pay It Forward.  The deal is that members can place dibs on games they want, and if they win one, they have to offer a game in return.  It’s a great system.  I had won a copy of GMT’s Labyrinth, a game on the US War on Terror against international jihadism in the wake of the 9/11 attacks.   It seems like a good trade to me, as I like contemporary games and am a fan of the thoughtful work done by Ruhnke and his sometime collaborator,  Brian Train.

However, I wasn’t prepared for the 90+ claimants that have put in their dibs for Upfront!  I am fully expecting the number of entrants will top one hundred by the deadline of noon tomorrow.  Yikes.  I think I’ve found a robust random number generator that will do the job, but it will be a big job.  I suppose I could write the names on slips of papers and let Stanley the Cat draw one.  I’ve done it here before.

Blessings!

MP+

 

Contest and Cookies

What ho, folks.  That capital artist fellow, Pete, has a splendid contest going at his blog, where you are invited to come up with a name for a Viking warrior he’s drawn.  Grab your shield, horned thinking helmet, and Danish axe and head over there.

That’s the contest bit taken care of.  Would you like a cookie?

Mmmmmm, delicious.   That desiccated thing on the left is a piece of hardtack from my last ever Civil War reenactment in 2006.  I found it while I was throwing some things out the other day.  It’s rather amazing that eight years later, it’s still mostly intact, save for that nasty spot.  Sadly, no weevils.  Our group made our own hardtack in those days.  When I started, it was pretty funky stuff.  I recall making hardtack with cinnamon and raisins in it because it was tastier that way.  Other folks just took Pop Tarts because they kind of looked like hardtack.   Eventually I gravitated to a more hardcore, authentic group and we made it following period recipes, using just flour and water.

At some point I found this hardtack cookie cutter to get the right look.   We would make large batches, and take it to the field in wooden crates, where we would do ration issues.   Don’t ask about the sowbelly.

 

Hardtack was more a Union staple than a Confederate food.  The rebs favoured cakes or loaves made from corn flour.  Billy Yank wasn’t overly fond of it, and i can tell you that after a weekend living on these “dried mummies”, even when washing them down with coffee or pounding them into fragments and cooking them in bacon fat, they are pretty gross. Trying to eat one dry and risk breaking a tooth, or sucking on it to try and soften it, is just darned unpleasant.  No wonder hardtack inspired this satiric song, set to the tune of the popular song “Hard Times Come Again No More”.

Anyway, I’m not sure if this is a contest, but if you’d like to make your own hardtack, and want this uber cool cookie cutter, drop me a line.   Serve hardtack at your next ACW war-game.  Impress your friends.

"Let us close our game of poker, take our tin cups in our hand
As we all stand by the cook's tent door
As dried mummies of hard crackers are handed to each man.
O, hard tack, come again no more!

Chorus:

'Tis the song, the sigh of the hungry:
"Hard tack, hard tack, come again no more."
Many days you have lingered upon our stomachs sore.
O, hard tack, come again no more!

'Tis a hungry, thirsty soldier who wears his life away
In torn clothes-his better days are o'er.
And he's sighing now for whiskey in a voice as dry as hay,
"O, hard tack, come again no more!"
Sing Chorus again.

'Tis the wail that is heard in camp both night and day,
'Tis the murmur that's mingled with each snore.
'Tis the sighing of the soul for spring chickens far away.
"O, hard tack, come again no more!"
Sing chorus again.

But to all these cries and murmurs, there comes a sudden hush
As frail forms are fainting by the door.
For they feed us now on horse feed that the cooks call mush!
O. hard tack, come again once more!

Final chorus:

'Tis the dying wail of the starving:
"O, hard tack, hard tack, come again once more!"
You were old and wormy, but we pass your failings o'er.
O, hard tack, come again once more!

On His Way To Sweden

Back in late April I announced some prizes and I am slowly delivering on them.   I’m not proud of my tardiness, but I note in my defence that I didn’t promise a delivery date.  I know, what a weasel I am.
This rugged adventurer from Bob Murch’s Pulp Figures is on his way to Joakim Strom, the Miniatures Man.  Joakim is just starting a pulp project, so I am sure this fellow will get some two-fisted action before too long.  Enjoy him, Joakim.

And The Winners Are ...

This shameless image of a kitten reflects my general state these last four days after I turned in the last of my three term papers for this semester of grad school.   Almost 20,000 words of highfalutin nonsense and verbiage.   Kitten is tired.   

 

However, I’m reasonably recovered and while I am quite late in getting to the caption contest (I think I had promised results on Easter Monday) my charming assistants, Madame Padre and Stanley the Wonder Cat, have done the draws

The winners of the three random draws are:

1)  The winner of the $40 gift certificate from J&M Miniatures is CJR, owner of the TwoThreeSixMM blog.  Congratulations CJR!  Please email me offline at madpadre (@) gmail (dot) com.

 

2) The winner of this handsome adventurer chap is Joakim Strom, The Miniature Man.   Joakim, email me at madpadre (@) gmail (dot) com if you want him unpainted or if you want him painted with your specifications.

3) The winner of Beregond is Baconfat, owner of Baconfat Log.  Monsieur Baconfat, please email me at madpadre (@) gmail (dot) com and let me know if you want Beregond painted or unpainted.

Right, and now for the really, super-exciting bit.  There was a fabulous mystery prize for the funniest and cleverest caption or dialogue, as chosen by myself, Stanley, and Ms. Padre. 

Several of the entries were very clever and several came very close.  

 

The Lowry cartoon had some very imaginative entries.   We really liked Peter Douglas’ entry: “You think he could’ve picked a better time to meet with his analyst.  At some point he has to stop compensating for little man issues.”  That was actually very similar to the original Lowry caption, “We’re in deep trouble now, he’s begun to have doubts about whether he really is Napoleon”.

 

The Samurai and Oktoberfest Fraulein image inspired a lot of cleverness around heads on beer.   However, one that made us laugh because it was different, especially after I’d just seen the Noah film, was from Chris Stoesen: “O, Daughter of Herodias, I bring you the head of John the Baptist … Ummm. Mr. Aronofsky, are you sure these are period costumes?”   Well done, Chris.

 

However, the one that we all enjoyed the most was one of the entries for the German Aviatrix and Resistance Femme.   There were several references to Allo! Allo! and, Ms. Padre thought, more than enough references to big bottoms.   The one that made us all laugh, though was from one of our favourite Kiwis, Archduke Piccolo:   “Nice going; there’ll be no finding much of that duck, now!”  We loved that entry for several reasons.   First, it was original, and amusing to think of these two characters out hunting together.  Second, it made us laugh to think of the French girl shooting a duck with a Schmeisser, and it perfectly matched the annoyed look on the German lady’s face.

So, milord Archduke, congratulations.  You’ve one the super mystery prize.    This is a rubbish photo, but the prize is this 28mm Foundry figure, which sort of looks like a cross between St. Nicholas and the leader of a Viking war band.  I was thinking of painting him up in Santa red and white, unless you’d like him in different colours, or unpainted.  Let me know.   I hope that’s an agreeable.   

So thank you all who played this competition, it was a lot of fun for me and I enjoyed everyone’s creativity and humour.   

I look forward to posting here more often now, and to having more time to paint and play, now that those papers are off my back.

Blessings to your brushes and die rolls!   MP+

Caption Contest Entries

So it’s Easter Monday and the captions are in.  I am still bashing away at my last grad paper for this term, so I haven’t had time to do any judging or drawing or anything clever like that.  However, you can enjoy all the clever entries.   More to follow.   MP+

 

1)

 

“%$&#! armchair generals!”  - Jonathan Frietag

“Does it look like snow” - Francis Lee

“… and the last rule to be educed in this treatise on the art of war is never to allow yourself to be distracted by such things as dictating a treatise on the art of war in the midst of a bat ….   Mon Dieu!  Merde!  The Old Guard et recule!  Merde!  Mon Dieu! - Tamsin P

“I don’t know about these Russian Winters - I’ve seen Spring in Ontario!” - Edwin King

“Bloody typical!  We burn the city while the generals sit on their arse.”  - Lasgunpacker

“Oh yeah!  We have to travel in coach with a $20 per day per diem but he gets first class and the good wine list.  Life is just so fair.”  - Chris Stoesen  (hmm - did you mean “unfair”, Chris? - MP)

“Someone in the crowd to someone else in the crowd:  “He prefers painted 28mm to us scribbly chaps you know.” - Pete Garnham

“I can’t believe we’re waiting around for his bleedin’ Lordship to order his breakfast again!!!” - Ray Rousell

“You think he could’ve picked a better time to meet with his analyst.  At some point he has to stop compensating for little man issues.” - Peter Douglas

“There’s that madman again, always asking Boney how many buttons are on his sleeves or what colours our jackets are for his book, claiming it’ll be worth a fortune in 200 years.” - CJR

 

“See the bloody world, he said, all I have done is walk and now he is sitting down.  I bet he will say, 'An Army marches on its stomach’,  look he flipping did, that’s it I am off to find Wellington.” - Panzer Kaput

 

“Today’s quote .. What about ‘A true man hates everyone?”  No?  Won’t look good in the history books?  That’s stupid!  It’s what I feel, I tell you.  What do you think I’m doing here?!  Not proper, ha!  As if you could make it better.  Stupod biographer …”  - Joakim Strom

 

“These after-battle team photo shoots are a real drag, don’t you reckon?”  - Archduke Piccolo

 

“What time does he get here to get a seat in the front row?”  - Dave Docherty

 

“That went well, you know we should invade Russia next.” -  Baconfat

 

“He’s checking the rules - if we don’t get the bonus for moving in column, we could be here all week.”  - Conrad Kinch

 

“You have to get here early for a good seat.” - Anonymous

 

“Look here Corporal, I know I said 28mm …” - Andrew Myatt

 

2)

 

“We are ALWAYS cleaning up after the men!” - Jonathan Freitag

“I shall say this only once … drop the pistol and your hat!”  - Francis Lee

“Hey, Boche!  How come you get to stand with your feet at a comfortable angle?” - Tamsin P

“Don’t you think we’re over-dressed for this wargaming lark?” - Edwin King

“What do you mean that you will not salute der Fuhrer?  And after all he has done for France.” - Lasgunpacker

“Excuse me miss!  Do you know how to unjam a submachine gun”  - Chris Stoesen

Frog to Kraut:  “Take that, Sausage Muncher!” - Pete Garnham

“Duz my bum look bikg in zis?” - Ray Rousell

“Stop - I am arresting you for fashion crimes.  Zhose boots are so 1939!” - Peter Douglas

“You half von sis time, fraulein.”  “No soup for you!” - CJR

“What wrong don’t you think my outfit works? Do you?”  - Panzer Kaput

“What do you mean, ‘Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once?’?”  - Joakim Strom

“Nice going: there’ll be no finding much of that duck, now!”  - Archduke Piccolo

For Mrs. Fritz the war is over. - Dave Docherty

“If you say, ‘Whoever smelt it first, dealt it', one more time ..”  - Baconfat

“Liebchen, brown shoes with that hat?” - Conrad Kinch

“Resistance is futile.” - Anonymous

 

“To be honest Helga … it does look big in that.” - Andrew Myatt

 

Hands up, unless you want me to give you a different set of wings. - Byron Michenfelder

3)

 

“I asked if you wanted a head on your beer NOT a beer for your head!” - Jonathan Frietag

“Look at the head on this Fraulein!”  - Francis Lee

“Mein Herr!   When I said this beer needed a head, this was not what I meant!” - Tamsin P

“What do you mean that Peckinpah is [the Analogue Hobbies Challenge theme for] 2014?  I’ve just brought you the Head of Alfredo Garcia!” - Edwin King

“Oooh, you wanted me to cut the head of FOAM off …. well now I am embarrassed.”  - Lasgunpacker

“O, Daughter of Herodias, I bring you the head of John the Baptist … Ummm, Mr. Aronofsky, are you sure these are period costumes?”  - Chris Stoesen

Babe to SamuraiL “Funny, I’m normally the one giving head.” - Pete Garnham

“Congratulations!  You’ve done what 83 Burmese couldn’t do … you killed John Rambo!” - Ray Rousell

“Stop - I am arresting you for fashion crimes.  Zhose boots are so 1939!” - Peter Douglas

“I always prefer my beer with a head!” - Peter Douglas

“You samurai always take things too far.” - CJR

“I don’t know I wash’t looking at his face.” - Panzer Kaput

“When I said, ‘Losing its head’, I was talking about the beer, you idiot … “   - Joakim Strom

“That’s not the head I was looking for.”  - The Beastie

“Look at the head on that!” - Michael Awdry

“How about another cold one for my pal Hideoshi, here?” - Archduke Piccolo

Do you want a head on your beer? - Dave Docherty

“Better make that a pitcher.” - Baconfat

Otaro began to realize that he had entirely misinterpreted Ilsa’s desire for a beautiful foamy head.  - Conrad Kinch

“Sake for me, my friend would like something with a little more body.” - Anonymous

“Thanks, but there is already enough head on my beer.” - Dux Homunculorm

“Well, for your information Genzis, mare’s milk doesn’t have a head on it!” - Andrew Myatt

“Sorry, Tetsu, cash only.”  - Donald Cameron

Last Three Days For The Caption Contest and Some Silly Film Recommendations

Good morning my lords and ladies:

Sadly, I have no pictures of my own of toy soldiers to show you, so I hope this image from yesterday's MOD UK news suffices.  The caption reads “courtesy of HQ London District who are gearing up for the Queen's Birthday Parade which will be held on Saturday, 14 June 2014, on Horse Guards Parade.”  I would be there but I’ve already promised Ms. Padre that we will be in Stratford (ON) watching a play on that day, it being our anniversary and all.

It has been very quiet here of late, I admit, and I hope you will pardon me on account of the Great Grad School Crunch.   In the last ten days I’ve churned out 8,000 words of highfalutin’ academic nonsense, which weighs in at two twenty page essays in double spaced 12 point type.   I’ve talked learnedly about interwar pacifism as a social movement within the United Church of Canada and about why Darren Aronofsky’s big budget film Noah is an example of a post-secular cultural product.  Yes, I know, riveting stuff.  I have until Easter Monday to complete and turn in my last paper of the term, on the history and significance of changes to Canadian Forces Chaplain cap badges as markers of religious and cultural identity.  Actually, that will be the fun one.  The pacifism paper was fun.  The Noah paper was a sheer bloody grind.

Mind you, I quite recommend the Noah film, because I’m not really sure what to make of it and I’d welcome your thoughts.  It seems designed to have something for believers and non-believers, and it is certainly an odd sort of biblical epic - more of an apocalyptic environmental fable, really, and I’m not sure it did the Icelandic Tourist Board any favours.   I must admit to being quite fond of The Watchers, a race of fallen angels who look like a cross between The Thing from the Fantastic Four, Peter Jackson’s Ents, and Michael Bey’s Transformers.  If you’re wondering how the ark got made, these guys provided the labour and the heavy lifting, apparently.

 

Speaking of films, I also recommend the Wes Anderson film, Grand Budapest Hotel.  Fans of the Interwar Period and Pulp and the 1930s in general may find it fun simply for the period atmosphere and for the slice of Central Europe (Zubrowka) that Anderson mostly invents.  Did you know that the paper read across the Zubrowkan Sudetenwaltz is The Trans-Alpine Yodel).   It’s also very funny with a terrific cast.

Finally, please note that if you haven’t entered the Mad Padre Wargames 100,000 page view competition, you have a few more days to do so.  All the instructions are here.  Stanley the Cat tells me he is quite impressed with the many captions submitted thus far.   Here you can see him pondering how he will cast his ballot while assisting me with my James Bond villain impression (“Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.”).  He’s a thoughtful and talented chap, is young Stanley.  Now, my dear friend Edwin King has suggested that these blog competitions are  merely cynical attempts to drive up stats, and that may be true, even if it is a shockingly bleak view of the world.   

 Truth be told, I don’t put a lot of faith in stats, as I don’t really understand them, though they are interesting to follow.   I  noticed, for example, that my last post on an obscure German board game called Friedrich generated over 600 page views, when a typical post here is lucky to get 150.    I am sure it is all in the title and what people choose to click on during Google searches.   I leave that sort of thing to Stanley to figure out.   Anyway, you have until the end of Sunday to get your entries in, and on Monday, essay permitting, I’ll figure it all out with my fellow judges.

Speaking of Sunday, if Easter is something you observe, may I wish you a happy and blessed journey from the sorrow of the cross to the glory of the empty tomb, the great joy and mystery of our faith.  If that’s not your thing, may I wish you much chocolate.   Of course, if Easter is your thing, and you like chocolate too, well Hurrah!

Blessings,

MP+

It's A Contest! Celebrating 100K Page Views For Mad Padre Wargames

As I announced yesterday, this blog has now had more than 100,000 page views, many of them not by me!   I love the generosity of the wargaming blogosphere, and so I’ve decided to celebrate that spirit and your interest in my blog with a competition.

It’s a caption competition and here’s how it works.    Below are three images.  Each image needs either a caption or some brief imagined dialogue, which you supply.

Every caption or dialogue you supply is worth one entry for the prizes.  You can make one attempt per image, so if you provide a caption or dialogue for all three images, that’s three entries.  Submit your entries in the form of comments to this post, making it clear which of the three images your caption or dialogue pertains to.

You get a bonus entry for being a follower of this blog.

You get a bonus entry for putting a link to this contest on your blog, and for sending me the URL to your page with the link.

So, if you try to do something funny for each of the three images, plus you’re a follower, and you send me the URL for your link to this competition, that gives you FIVE entries.

 

Here are the three images.

1) This image was originally a cartoon by the late R.A. Lowry, who was a renowned rock journalist and cartoonist.  Some of you may remember the British magazine Punch, which, like Mr. Lowry, is sadly no more.   Lowry’s cartoons often appeared in Punch, and his cartoons sometimes had a military history angle.   I’ve removed the original caption from this cartoon.  

For one entry, supply your own caption. 

 

 

2) This shot recently appeared here, showing a plucky French resistance lass confronting a visibly annoyed German aviatrix.  For one entry, supply your caption OR dialogue.

 

3) I painted these figures last year and submitted them to the Analogue Hobbies 2013 Challenge.  For one entry, supply your own caption or dialogue.

 

Prizes and Prize Selection:

There are three prizes.    

The first prize is a $40.00 (Canadian) gift certificate redeemable at the online store for J&M Miniatures.   The proprietor, my friend James Manto, has kindly agreed to throw in free shipping.  J&M has a great selection of products, and I would be very happy for his business to get a little bit of a push.

Second prize is this 28mm  jolly decent chap from Bob Murch’s Pulp Figures.  The winner can have him unpainted, or I’ll paint him to the winner’s specifications.

 

 

Third prize is this GW Lord of the Rings figure, Beregond, from my spares box.   The winner can have him unpainted, or I’ll paint him to the winner’s specifications.

 

The contest closes at 23:59hrs EST on Easter Sunday, April 20th.   On Easter Monday I’ll total the number of entries per participant, and do a draw for these three fine prizes.   As always, Stanley the Cat will act as scrutineer

But wait, that’s not all!   I am going to turn on comments moderation as of now and will not post any submitted captions or dialogue until Easter Monday, when I’ll put the lot up.  Ms. Padre, Stanley and I will pick what in our expert and sage opinions is the funniest and cleverest caption or dialogue, and award the author a fabulous mystery prize!  Please note that if any of you lot send cans of tuna or catnip mice to Stanley, I go through the post before he does and I will intercept your bribes!

OK, clear as mud?  If you have any questions, leave them in the form of a comment and I’ll answer them.  Otherwise, the three of us are looking forward to what you come up with.

Cheers,

Michael

 

And The Winners Are

Milords and ladies, the results of the Mad Padre Wargames 50K/100 contest are in. We have our winners. But first, a review of our fabulous prizes.

There are three prizes that our winners can choose from, with Winner 1 having his choice of the three, and Winner 2 choosing from the two remaining, and Winner 3 getting the one left. Tres simple, n'est-ce pas? The first two are from Bob Murch's Pulp Figures range of two-fisted, hard charging, devil may care adventurer types. Apologies for these oversized photos, a bit of a cock-up on the ImageShack front, apparently.

We have Pith Helmet Guy. For some reason, he seems sinister to me. I'm guessing he's a Nazi agent or spy keeping tabs on the British some place where mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun.

Next up is a lady I've come to know and love as Safari Girl, cutting her way through the elephant grass with her trusty machete. If she could speak, I'll bet she'd sound just like Katharine Hepburn.

The third prize is this motorcycle dispatch rider from Great War Miniatures. I'm not an expert on Great War miniatures by any means, but he is sculpted wearing armbands and there is some evidence that dispatch riders were part of the Signal Corps, whose colours are white over blue. Those same colours fly today over the signals detachment building at the base where I work, so I think I'm good. Some poetic license with the motorcycle license plate, numbering, and roadsigns.

Everyone at Mad Padre Wargames worked hard to make this a fair and transparent process. In the absence of President Jimmy Carter and the United Nations, Stanley the Cat was drafted to oversee the process. Here he carefully examines the names of the contestants, carefully placed in the Mad Padre beret.

Madame Padre draws the the first winner, and it is ... Peter Douglas! Congratulations, Peter, you have your choice of the three prizes. Please email me at madpadre (at) gmail.com with your choice and address.

Madame Padre draws the second winner, and it is ... Wargaming News and Terrain! Congratulations sir! Please email me at madpadre @ gmail.com with your address and I'll let you know which two prizes you can choose from.

Madame Padre draws the third prize, and it is ... Chris Stoesen! Congratulations,Chris. I have your email address, I'll let you know what's left.

And finally, the fabulous bonus prize. As you may recall, I promised a bonus prize to the person whose literary undertaking had the greatest literary merit. Madame Padre accepted the role of judge, with the sole instruction that she choose the entry that most tickled her fancy. She took this role most seriously, and pondered the entries for almost half an hour. Madame Padre liked many, and her Honourable Mention award (sadly, no prize) goes to Mike Whittaker, whose sonnet was a very clever example of that genre. However, the one which made her laugh the most, and which earned her thumbs up, was ...

Dux Homunculorum, whose short but well crafted entry asked just why that padre in the blog masthead is leaning so close to that vamptastic temptress. A good question. Congratulations, Dux, that was a great entry. Your prize is this Great War Miniatures Tommy, gamely kicking a football towards the Hun lines. If you don't game the period, I hope he graces your desk or bookshelf, because he's a wonderful sculpt and I hope I did justice to him. I have your email address so will ping you for your snail mail address. I should add as a disclaimer that Madame Padre knew nothing of my winning a prize on Dux H's blog recently, so there was no fix, no quid pro quo here. Stanley the Cat made sure this was a clean contest.

So there you have it, gentles all, thanks for playing in this contest. For those of you who didn't play, I hope we'll see you in the 200K pageview / 200 follower contest, whenever that may be. Blessings to your die rolls!