We have a new game of Diplomacy under way and that means, a new issue of The Daily Dissembler! MP+
The Daily Dissembler, Special European Gazette Issue, April 1, 1901
We make sense of a complicated, far-off world so you, dear reader, can enjoy the Gilded Age.
WAR SCARE IN EUROPE! RUMOUR HOLDS SWAY! SABRES RATTLED!
The Kaiser in Kiel
His Imperial Majesty today attended the laying down ceremony of a new battleship, reported to be faster and stronger than any currently employed in the world. This new ship is to be named Kaiserin Friedrich in honour of his recently deceased mother (and through her of his grandmother Queen Victoria).
“In so naming this great vessel we acknowledge the bringing together of two strands: for modern Germany is already acknowledged to be the heir of Frederich Der Grosse’s military supremacy; now we stake out that naval supremacy formerly claimed by Britannia. There are representatives of many navies here: I say to them ‘Report back to your Admiralties that you have seen something new here today. You have seen the might of the Imperial German Navy reforged!’”
By Our Special Correspondent, Mr Ernest Harrington
There is a strange game played by Foreign Correspondents. To better inform their readers, they try to guess where the next European Confabulation will spring up. Given the fragile state of the continent, there are many candidates for this hotspot. Reporters from rival papers have placed themselves in Athens, Trieste or Warsaw. I am here in Brussels. Miss Amelia Roosevelt is, I believe, in Llandrindod Wells.
Belgium is a gloomy place. The streets are subdued. The lights burn late in the Foreign Ministry as instructions are drafted to this tiny nation’s ambassadors. Above all, the message is ‘Find a Protector!’ I am told that the diplomatic outlook has not been so grim since 1814. England, France and Germany all hover in the wings. Which will invade? Which will hold back, claiming the other’s aggression as a casus belli? The truth is that none of these Powers can be trusted to prevent an invasion.
Who, then, can the Belgians rely on? There are wild rumours of Turks being seen patrolling the Ardenne Forest or Volga Rivermen plying the canals. A more sensible alliance would be with Italy or Austria – each in a position to deter France or Germany. Yet with no-one to threaten England’s borders, invasion seems certain.
Whatever happens, Your Man is On the Spot.
Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Kingdom of Italy
Communique for the Period of Spring 1901
The current tensions racking Europe are forcing all the major powers to examine where their interests lie, Italy included.
The Balkan region is currently destablising all neighbouring kingdoms. If there is to be a carve up of this region between the major powers, Italy must be included. Her vital interests in the region must be protected against aggressive acquisitiveness of other powers.
Some nations are also not helping the current period of instability by communicating with the representatives of the Kingdom of Italy in a manner which could only be charitably described as high-handed. While we are a nation only recently united, we have a long and glorious history to reflect on and our honour will not stand further insult!
Italy extends the open hand of friendship to all Europe, but be warned; The open hand can easily turn into a mailed fist!
This year has seen a phenomenal developments in the European Defence sector - here are some of the most important advances :-
Turkey has agreed a new deal with its uniform suppliers that will see the size of its shoes increase by 3ft in length and also get even more pointy. This 'modernisation' is said to be very popular with the troops who think it will greatly help them when marching. They also have maneuvres planned for the Black Sea, which could lead to problems with the Russians, and also for Bulgaria and Armenia.
Germany has announced a change of its ration policy with regard to its military. This marks a change from the longstanding idea of 'live of the land' and now its troops will be able to feast on 3 Wurst, and a pint of Sauerkraut a day. This is said to be hugely popular with the rank and file. In similar news, they also announced a 500% increase in the military's use of toilet paper. Alongside these changes, summer drills were announced for Tyrolia, the Low Countries and Denmark.
England has broken with its longstanding tradition of preferring to pick on Colonial nations this year and has thrown itself into European affairs. The Chief of the Imperial General Staff announced great expansions in the Catering Corps allowing for roast beef to be served every lunch and that tea ration to go up from 1 to 5 gallons of tea a day. Coupled with this, the Navy announced planned trips to Iberia, Norway and the Coast of France.